A long time ago, I fell in love with a man named Tucker. Madly in love.

We met, working in a call center. I died at first sight. He was beautiful. I was so lucky that we quickly became inseparable friends. We were together, or on the phone (ON THE PHONE), all the time. We had so much fun and everything was funny and we had the best group of friends and it was SUCH A GOOD MOMENT.

Once, I had to go to Michigan, and the night before my flight, Tucker took me out with a bunch of our friends and “filled me up” for my airplane ride. It was funny and terrible. And earlier that day, we’d been at work, and Tucker had a hole in his pants and he never wore underwear. After a number of drinks, I announced I’d seen Tucker’s butt earlier that day and I laughed and laughed about it. I think I am embarrassed him.

He let me plan ALL THE PARTIES at his house! He’d be like, “Why don’t you plan us a party this weekend?” And then he’d give me money to spend on booze and we’d get loaded and cook out with our friends! He took me home one night, DRUUUUUUNK and poured me in the door. That key was a BITCH. So, he gets me in my room and asks if I want anything to drink and I ask for Kool-Aid. And he’s like, “OK, how much sugar?” And I’m like, “Two cups (HA HA HA HA).” And he’s like, “Nooooo, that’s not right.” And I just fucking argue with him, but I’m laughing. He ended up reading the directions and made it with one cup of sugar. He remembered to put my ice cream in the microwave for five seconds. He always drove us everywhere. We went to all of our friends’ parties together. He put together my kitchen table and chairs. We watched movies, sitting on the couch, sharing the same blanket.

When I told him how I felt about him, oh, that was a hard conversation. It was so sad. And, right on the edge of that, he met someone. We started growing colder with each other and then we just quit talking. It all happened so fast and yet it felt like slow motion.

I’ve wondered about Tucker, over the years and I’ve Googled him. I only get a return on the basics, address, etc. Until recently. He got married and his registry and wife’s name came up in a search. I looked her up on FB and for the first time in 25 years, there was a photograph of my former friend.

I didn’t recognize him at all. Shorter hair, a bit of gray, a little chubby. He looked great. But he just looked like a stranger. His wife loves him. Just loves him, and it’s very sweet.

Everything coming full circle brought up some feelings and I have some questions that will never be answered. But, it also gave me some closure and hindsight. I miss my friend, but I know that person no longer exists. Who I was, no longer exists. And these things are ok because that moment in time is falling silent and finally being put to rest.